Troubleshooter: Girl hates visiting divorced father

The Daily Yomiuri
February 25, 2007
Source: http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/dy/columns/advice/20070225TDY23004.htm

Dear Troubleshooter:

I'm a woman in my 30s. I got divorced several years ago, and am living with my 11-year-old daughter. My former husband pays child support every month and meets his daughter a few times a year. Since she doesn't want to see him alone, I always join them.

We divorced because he was unfaithful to me. My daughter hates him, but I tell her to pretend she is having a good time every time she sees him since it is just for a little while. I tell her to do this also because I am concerned about the child support I receive from him. She does as I say, but she says after we get home that she finds being with him exhausting. She also keeps sighing and saying, "He's such a creep!"

My ex recently called her directly and asked her to come to see him alone. But I joined them anyway as she became so upset and said she didn't want to go alone. He doesn't seem to realize that his daughter hates him. He still believes she is pleased to see him.

I think I have sufficient reason to receive child support from him. But I also wonder whether he may be making the payments only because he believes his daughter is willing to see him. Is it wrong of me to accompany my daughter when she sees him?

R, Tokyo

Dear Ms. R:

You seem to think that you won't be entitled to receive child support if you don't allow your former husband to see your daughter, but that is not correct. The right of parents to see children who may be living apart from them is respected only as far as it ensures the healthy growth of children. This means your former husband's access to his daughter is not supposed to be harmful to her interests and well-being. Meanwhile, he is obliged to pay child support even if he cannot see his daughter. Thus you, of course, are allowed to accompany your daughter if she doesn't want to see him alone. You even can refuse to allow your former husband to see his daughter if she really feels it is so burdensome to see him and she has started to become emotionally unstable because of this burden.

So you don't have to make your daughter pretend she is enjoying meeting her father to get child support. This will instead hurt the feelings of your daughter and may have a negative impact on her from a developmental standpoint. As a mother, it is important for you to do something to help your daughter relax and meet her father, but without putting pressure on her.

Sachiyo Dohi, lawyer

(from Feb. 2 issue)

© The Yomiuri Shimbun.