Dear Troubleshooter:
I am a woman in my 40s. My husband and I did not get on well with my son and his now estranged wife, and have not seen them for years. They never allowed us to see our grandchild, who is now in kindergarten. I longed for the day they would relent and I would be able to hold the child in my arms. Now that they are divorced, though, perhaps things have changed.
My son's ex-wife won custody of the child, while he was ordered to pay child-care and education expenses.
If my son pays monthly expenses for his child, is it possible for me to go and see and talk to my grandchild at kindergarten, without my son, when there is a school event? Or is it impossible without the permission of my former daughter-in-law?
I cannot give up all hope of seeing my grandchild.
S, Hyogo Prefecture
Dear Mrs. S:
Even if a divorced parent does not live with his or her child, the parent has a responsibility to help raise the child properly until the child comes of age. In principle, therefore, your son must pay child-care and education expenses until his son turns 20.
You ask whether you can see your grandchild. A divorced parent's right to see his or her estranged child is not legally defined, but in practice that right is acknowledged. This, however, does not allow the parent unlimited access to the child, even if he or she is paying child-care expenses. The priority is given to the child's welfare rather than to the emotions of the parent. While the child is very young, the parent who lives with the child must agree to visitation rights.
Grandparents must pay due respect to the child's parents and give even more consideration than a parent not to disturb the environment in which the child is raised.
I understand your wish to see your grandchild. But if the child suddenly sees grandparents he has never met, he may feel upset. I think it best that you discuss the matter completely with the child's mother. If she refuses you access to the child, you should respect that, and just watch him from afar.
Sachiyo Dohi, lawyer
(from Oct. 4 issue)