Parent-Child Relations

Source: http://people.bu.edu/betsy24/links/relations.html

To discover more specifics about how parent-child relations are effected by divorce, choose one of the factors below. Age, gender, parent's perspective, and remarriage are just a handful of the many varying factors that can lead to different responses to the parent-child relationship.

Age:

Babies/Toddlers (0-3yrs.):

• For very young children facing divorce (0-6 months), the loss of constant contact with one parent, usually the father, decreases the amount of stimulation from the outside world in half. By one year old divorce impacts more directly because the child loses someone s/he trusts. This can create problems with the non-custodial parent forming a positive attachment with the child. At 2 years it is particularly tough for boys who don't live with their father because they are "old enough to feel vulnerable and [begin] to identify with the father, a little boy is apt to feel not only bereft, but unprotected" (Francke 59). Based on a study in 1985 by Isabella and Belsky, 64 children were monitored from the last trimester of pregnancy to one year old. From this study, mothers who had increasing marital problems were more likely to have poorly attached infants (Amato & Booth, 1994). This may result from the mother's overwhelming stress from divorce and pregnancy so the babies lack attention and comfort.
• Positive aspects for divorce at such an early age include (1) the child has not yet learned to miss the non-residential parent and (2) children are spared the memories of marital dispute (Francke, 1983).

Preschool (3-6yrs.):

• At this age children tend to blame themselves for the divorce due their recent development of egocentricity. Many times the child will try to find easy "fix-its" to mend the parent's divorce, such as drawing nice pictures to bring daddy home. Boys are especially resentful towards an absent father because this is a key time to identify with ones own gender (Francke, 1983).

Adolescence (7-18yrs):

• This period presents a time of multiple life transitions for children and divorce only adds to their distress. The parent-child relationship is the main support system during this time period, alleviating some of the stress of growing up. But during divorce the parenting skills diminish because of parents' own difficulties dealing with the transition. From this respect, the adolecent child lacks support and guidance. Divorce can affect the ability of parents to interact with their children. In the two years following separation there is a continued disruption of the parent-child relationship because parents are either physically or psychologically absent (Hines, 1997).
• Longitudinal studies that have examined children who experienced parental divorce between birth-16 years old were ". . .twice as likely as other youths to have poor relationships with their fathers and mothers, to show high levels of emotional distress or problem behavior, to have received psychological help, and to have dropped out of high school at some point" (Hines 380).
• Both mothers and fathers act distant, less affectionate, and lack consistent control over their kids. Mothers with custody typically are more depressed, less supportive, and have decreased parental authority within the first two years after divorce. Fathers with custody are usually indulgent and permissive within the first two years after divorce. After two years custodial fathers report better family adjustment with more control, probably due to better financial stability compared to custodial mothers (Hines, 1997).
• Adolescents cope with their parent's break-up better than preschoolers because (1) they have stronger peer relations and (2) they often times have an increased understanding of the reasons for the divorce, thus would not blame themselves like younger kids may (Hines, 1999).

Adults (18+):

• Adult children of divorce are more equipped to deal with the issues of marital disruption. They can better distinguish between how they feel about each parent and their parent's own troubled bond. Thus, grown up children have already formed relations with each parent and the divorce has less impact on the parent-child relation compared to younger children of divorced. However, when young children of divorced grow into adulthood, they better differentiate the mother-child bond from the parent's relationship than they can with their father (Cancio, Orbuch, & Thornton, 2000). This trend might be due to the high percent of children growing up with custodial mothers.

Gender:

• The most significant issue concerning gender is the negative influence divorce has on the father-child relationship because most children live with their mother. Children tend to reduce contact with the father, blame them more for the divorce, while at the same time the father withdraws from them because of marital stress. But evidence suggests that sons are more likely to maintain better contact with fathers than daughters after divorce (Cancio, Orbuch, & Thornton, 2000).
• Girls tend to internalize their feelings about divorce and respond with crying and withdrawal. Boys on the other hand externalize their feelings by acting out. With boys increased unruly behavior, mothers provide less emotional support for defiant sons. Fathers tends to praise their son's good behavior more and respond with increased authority to their non-compliant behavior. It is also important for girls to maintain a good bond with their father because it contributes to heterosexual development (Berk, 2000).
• As children grow up they tend to be close to one parent, usually of the same-gender sex, compared to children of married parents who remain close to both parents (Emery, 1999). Another source, Alice M. Hines' Divorce Related Transitions, Adolescent Development, and the Role of the Parent-Child Relationship, states the same observation that there is better parent-child relation adjustment for adolescence who live with a same-sex parent. In general though, both boys and girls function better with their mother as their residential parent (Hines, 1997).
• One longitudinal study of six years by Hetherington in 1989 takes a look at this theory, using a sample size of 72 divorced, mother-residences and 72 married families with preschool children. In the first two years since divorce the mothers made fewer maturity demands, communicated less, were less affectionate, and less effective in controlling their kids compared to the married family mothers. Relationships with sons were particularly worse, as the boys received more negative feedback than daughters of divorced mothers. After the two year assessment the parenting abilities increased, the relationships were more nurturing, and the mothers were in better control. The reason may be due to improved compliance of the children. Early after divorce kids tend to comply worse with parents, but over time they improve (Emery, 1999).
• Although, it is not exactly concrete evidence that children work better in same-sex residences. More recent studies, with larger sample sizes than previous research, have failed to find that children work better when living with the same-gender parent. From the data, same-sex matching should not be practiced when determining custody (Emery, 1999).

Parent's Perspective:

• Both mothers and fathers report resentment, confusion, and apprehension about their ability as parents. These feelings sprout from their perceived community isolation because of their new status as divorced parents (Hines, 1999).
• In a study by Rossi and Rossi in 1990, parents reported that divorce (when child was younger) had little effect on the adult-child relationship, but disagreements arose between how one parent perceived their son/daughter's relationship with the other parent. Mother's reports of the father-child relationship were more pessimistic in general, compared to the father's reports of the mother-child relationship (Amato & Booth, 1994).

Remarriage:

• Currently, there is better social acceptance for remarriages, but the situation can be more stressful than first marriages. In general, stepfamilies report less cohesion and more distant relationships than those of first marriages (Hines, 1999). Children feel less close to the stepparent than the biological parent, but early on after the remarriage there is conflict between the child and both the biological and stepparent. The situation generally gets better with time, but stepparents remain more detached and less authoritative than biological parents (Emery, 1999).
• Younger children better adopt to the stepparent and eventually become attached. Adolescents on the other hand usually have difficulty accepting the new role the stepparent provides which results in ". . . more sustained problems in family relationships and adolescent adjustment" (Hines 381). Although, adolescent boys welcome stepfathers more often than girls (Hines, 1999). Boys may enjoy the presence of a new male role in the household.
• Stepparents result in newly formed difficulties for the non-residential parent. The non-custodial parent tends to decrease visitation following remarriage. The non-custodial parent may also find the stepparent a threat to his/her relationship with the children and tension can rise. Although, new custody battles do occur if the stepparent and non-custodial parent feel more equipped to handle the children, if the other, single parent already has custody (Emery, 1999).

Conclusion:

• There are a few things I would like to say to sum up the information in this site. First of all, divorce is not just a one time situation, but a long term transitional state including parental and child adjustment, financial changes, and the possibility of stepparents. Most of the negative family relationship problems occur the first two years after divorce. The relational reaction of the child towards the parent depends of a lot of circumstances, including the gender of the child, their age, the child's temperament, and other problems occurring in lives of both the children and parents. No two situations are the same. After the first two years of transition from divorce, children tend to adjust to the situation and mend relationships with both parents. Upheaval of issues can begin again with the introduction of a stepparent, but this too can be overcome. The best thing for any parent is to be open with their children about the issues of divorce and work out methods to keep the familial ties strong.