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Stai pensando di sposarti e fare figli con un cittadino Giapponese? Allora
leggi...
If you are thinking of marrying a Japanese citizen, congratulations!
But to protect against the unthinkable, you should consider the following now.
Should you decide to go ahead, you will hopefully be one of the happy
international marriages out there. But if it doesn't last, it wont just be
you who looses, it will be your children too.
If you have additional insights to add to this page, please send them to the
webmaster of this site.
Warning Signs of Future Child Custody Problems
The following information is based on reported actual experiences of
people who have had relationship problems with a Japanese partner. As such, the
characteristics described here do are not intended to describe the majority of
Japanese men or women. But Japanese expectations about interpersonal
relationships may still generally differ from those in other countries.
Cultural differences may also mask personality incompatibilities in a partner
that you would otherwise recognize and avoid. This information is intended
to help you recognize and avoid the minority of Japanese partners who may be
inclined to deprive your child of a relationship with you, your side of the his
or her family, and your cultural heritage. (Much of it is good advice
regardless of the nationality of your potential partner.)
Cross Gender Indicators
- Recognize that bizarre behavior is often pathological behavior regardless
of the culture. Don't justify bizarre behavior simply as a cultural
difference, especially if it happens frequently. In Japan, psychological
problems are often ignored. When not ignored, they are often not fully
or properly treated. So don't assume that past psychological problems
have been resolved. They may merely be an indicator of a more deep
seated problem that has only been superficially treated.
- Have any of your prospective partner's relatives been divorced and cut off
the other parent from the child? If so, it may mean that their family
thinks this behavior is acceptable, perhaps even preferable. In this
case, you will get no support from them if it happens to you.
- Was your prospective partner's father a workaholic? Yes, this is
very often the case in Japan. But look further. Did he never spend
time with your partner? Is your partner extremely close to his or her
mother? For a woman, the better her relationship with her father, the less
likely she may be to cut off her child from their father. For men, a
good relationship with his father seems to indicate more respect for family
life in general.
- Do your partner's parents obviously disapprove of the marriage and are
they sure it won't work? These parents are likely to be very controlling
of their child's life and will be very happy to have 20 years of raising your
child to remind your ex-partner that they were right about the suitability of
your marriage.
- Do you not get along at all with your partner's parents? If their
son/daughter abducts your child and goes home to mommy and daddy, you will get
no support from them at all. They will not help to convince him or her
to go back and try to work things out. Conversely, if you get along very
well with your partner's parents and other relatives, this is a positive sign.
You might get some support from them if things go wrong.
- Does your Japanese partner know much about the country and/or culture you
come from? (Do you know much about Japanese family life and culture?)
Has your Japanese partner ever lived outside of Japan? Do you have any
reason to believe he or she might not be able to fit in outside Japan?
Unless you are absolutely sure you will spend the rest of your life in
Japan, no knowledge of your culture or experience living in your country is a
big danger sign, even if your partner claims to want live outside of
Japan. International marriages work better when the two people are interested
in and knowledgeable about each other's cultures and have prior experience
living in each others' countries. It is often the case that this type of
wife finds it difficult to establish a long term social group outside Japan
using a foreign language. Things can get even harder when they have a
baby outside Japan and have to care for the child outside Japan. Then, if she
gets divorced, she is very likely to want to run back to Japan, with your
children! A husband on the other hand may find it hard to advance in
a career while living in a social structure so different from that he grew up
in. Although before the divorce he may claim that he wants nothing to do
with the children, his relatives back home may convince him differently, and
that he should "do it the Japanese way" and abduct your child.
- Can your partner speak your native language, and can you speak your
partner's language? If not, consider it a warning sign.
First, men and women are well known to have different communication styles.
Adding a language difference only makes it worse. Second, if you want to
return to live in your country someday, your Japanese partner won't survive if
he or she doesn't know the language. After trying, he or she may
suddenly decide to return home with your children. If this happens and you
do not speak Japanese, you will have an impossible time negotiating the
language as you try to get your child back. Your child may also then
grow up only knowing Japanese, and not your native language. If you do
not know Japanese, you may not be able to communicate with your child after
this happens.
- Will you and your partner have money problems, especially if you plan to
live in Japan? Are you a conservative saver, while your partner must
always have the latest clothes or electronic devices? Money is often
reported as the biggest cause of arguments in any marriage. (It's always
easier when you aren't in a panic about money!) But international marriages
have enough additional problems, that money may be the straw that breaks the
camel's back. Talk carefully with your partner about spending habits before
marriage.
For Women (Indicators About Boyfriends and Husbands)
- Does he have a sister who is divorced and/or has no children?
Men who abduct their children or cut them off from their ex-wives seem to
given them to a close female relative to raise. (This is more of a negative
indicator for a future Japanese husband than a future wife, but I have also
heard of one woman who "gave" their child to her childless sister.)
- Has he had more than one previous wife without children? He may be
looking to you to give him one, which he would then raise with a subsequent
Japanese wife. (After divorcing you!)
- Is he abusive in any way, either physically or verbally? This often
doesn't show up until after marriage. So any indication before marriage
is doubly damming. The children, and the threat of keeping the children
from you is just one more way to wield power over you abusively.
Violence counseling is much less available in Japan than in western countries.
- Does his mother claim that his father was abusive? This behavior
sometimes runs in families. Oddly, if they are still together after all these
years, her claim may be more valid than if made during the heat of a
confrontational divorce. (Contested divorces in Japan require someone to
be at fault and there are no practical penalties against perjury in civil
court cases.)
- Discuss with your partner what kind of relationship he imagines after your
first child. Ask how he wants to help raising your child. Ask how both of you
could make time to be together after you have children. If the answer is that
you should do all the child raising, and that he will work even harder to
support you, consider this carefully. This is a common pattern in
Japanese family life. If you want help raising your children, and also want to
spend intimate time with him after you have children, reconsider the
relationship. If he doesn't want intimacy with you, he will likely get
it elsewhere.
- Does he spend a lot of time reading comics (manga)? Has he ever said
that he wishes you were more like one of the fantasy girls in his magazines?
I hope this speaks for itself. If so, run away.
For Men (Indicators about Girlfriends and Wives)
- Does she have any history of mental illness, even just depression, whether
it was officially treated or not? Treatment of mental illness in Japan,
when it is even recognized, usually consists of drugs. This tends to
mask many problems rather than solve them. So you may end up with a
depressed wife who is also addicted to psychotic drugs. Add to that a
post partum depression after 9 months (without the drugs) and you can imagine
the problems. There are many tales of a new mother returning to Japan
for a "short trip to get some help with mother" and never coming back.
- Does she openly dislike or complain about her father? If both she and her
mother openly dislike or complain about her father together, this is even more
of a danger sign. If her father was abusive, she may expect you to be
that way also. Worse yet, she may have learned that it is normal
behavior in a family that the police do not care about, and may be abusive to
you.
- She she seem to be unduly influenced by or admiring of her mother? This
type of mother sometimes tries to recreate their unusually close relationship
with their mother, with their own children. This is often encouraged by the
grandmother, i.e. her mother, and unless you stay away from home most of the
time like her father did, it requires cutting off the relationship with you,
the father.
- Does she seem to want to be married to a foreigner simply because she is
"lost in life", "just doesn't like Japan", or just "likes anything western"?
Once these types of women find themselves, they often realize that they just
didn't understand what was really good about Japan and like Japan a lot more
than they thought. They may find that the long term benefits of just being "kawaii"
is not enough for a non Japanese spouse. Or after living in a country where
they do not speak the language fluently, has a different moral system than
Japan, and is thousands of miles away from relatives, they may decide that
they do, after all, like Japan. Unfortunately, this often happens right
after the birth of a child, when possibly along with post-partum depression
she unilaterally decides that life is much easier back in Japan.
- Discuss with your partner what kind of relationship she imagines after
your first child. Ask how you could help raising the child. Ask how both of
you could make time to be together once you have children. If the answer is
that she will do all the child raising, and that you should just work hard to
support them, consider this carefully because it is a common pattern. After
having children, many men also report that their wives immediately lose
interest in intimacy, which continues for years. If you want to help
raise your children and also spend intimate time with your wife after you have
children, reconsider the relationship.
- Have you only known your Japanese girlfriend for a couple months before
she "accidentally" got pregnant? "Dekichatta-kon" (marriage due to
pregnancy) is becoming fairly common in Japan. If you are only marrying
this woman because she has become pregnant, consult your personal value system
for options. If your value system does not allow other options,
remember that even if you get married, that won't help you maintain a
relationship with your child if the mother resists. What it will do, is
cause you to have to pay alimony to your wife if you get divorced.
You will always need to (and should) pay child support. But if the
marriage is unlikely to last, why risk it? If it will last, then
delaying it until a couple years after your child is born may not hurt.
If your value system allows other options, remember that abortion has been
easy and common in Japan even longer than "Dekichatta-kon." The Japanese value
system typically accommodates termination of a pregnancy, but adoption is
rare.
- Are you looking for a submissive oriental woman that is easy to control?
Although some western men are looking for this type of a "foreign bride", this
is a misguided stereotype for Japanese women which you are unlikely to find.
If you think your Japanese girlfriend is like this and will continue to be
like this as your wife, think again. You are probably being deceived.
It's not likely to happen.
Signs of a Potentially Good International Marriage
- Your partner has lived in your country for more than one year and thinks
he or she would be happy to live there permanently. Alternately, you
have lived in Japan for more than one year and believe that you would be happy
living in Japan for the rest of your life.
- Your partner has good skills in your native language. You have good
skills in Japanese.
- Your partner has work experience in your home country and could hold down
a steady job there. You have work experience in Japan and could hold
down a steady job there.
- Your Japanese partner has dated Japanese and has good memories.
Meeting you was just a happy coincidence. If s/he had not met you, s/he
might have married a Japanese instead. Likewise, you have dated people
from your own country and you have happy memories. You aren't marrying
your Japanese partner just because you don't like people of the opposite sex
from your own country.
- You have had disagreements with your Japanese partner in the past and
resolved them successfully.
- You know your Japanese partner's parents and relatives well and like each
other.
Preventative Measures
If none of the above apply and you decide to go ahead, good for you.
But if you have doubts anyways, or you get them later, you may want to consider
the precautions on this list.
- Get your permanent residency and/or citizenship so you wont get kicked out
of Japan and can continue to work there while a case would go thru the courts.
For years.
- If you can, get your wife or husband to take citizenship of another
country. Even though s/he can get by with de-facto dual citizenship after
that, technically, it implies that s/he has renounced Japanese citizenship. I
know someone who has used this in court, and even got the Japanese ministry of
Justice to write a letter to a court saying that the formerly Japanese wife no
longer had Japanese citizenship.
- Live outside Japan if you have children, or if you start to have problems,
find a way to get out of Japan first so that the divorce happens somewhere
else. This can help as foreign countries are getting wiser to the situation in
Japan. (If you are a father, it might help less in the UK and elsewhere where
the mother seems to get custody most of the time. But it could help a lot if
you are in the US or elsewhere where joint custody is more common.) A
prenuptial is a good idea, but I've never seen one for Japan and not sure if
it would hold up or not. But I encourage you to try to draft one. You would
likely need both an international lawyer and a Japanese lawyer to draft it.
One lawyer who is very
knowledgeable about Japan family law problems and prenuptials is Jeremy Morely.
He has been of service to a couple people I know and somewhere on his website,
he mentioned that he works on international prenuptial . (If you do create a
prenuptial, with a foreign or Japanese lawyer, I would very much
appreciate if you could tell us about it or send us a copy for our own
prenuptial agreements in
Japan page. This is something I would like to document better on this
website.)
References
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